Between the Lines: What to do if you think your child is gay

By Shelley Argent
Published Sunday, 1 March 2009, viewed 335 times

I am a mother of two adult sons. My eldest son is gay, my younger son straight. When my first son disclosed to me that he was gay, it set me off on a path I would never have suspected my life to take. I have become an advocate for gay rights and written educational resources that have been widely accepted by a variety of professional groups in the community. My priority has been assisting other families to understand and accept their gay sons and lesbian daughters, which I did by reinvigorating a peer support group in Queensland for parents struggling to understand and accept their children’s sexual orientations.

Our group, Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG), offers telephone support, group meetings, resources, and referrals and operates under the auspices of the Queensland Association of Healthy Communities. We are 100 per cent voluntary, non-political and non-sectarian. The primary goal is to support families by hastening understanding and acceptance of their sexually-diverse loved ones.  

Sometimes fathers and mothers recognise, at an early age, that their child may be gay or lesbian and are then in a quandary as to how to handle the ‘situation’. This is what happened to me when my son was about eleven or twelve years of age. Plus, I could see that he was totally unaware of the changes happening to him.

At the time, homosexuality wasn’t something I knew much about, but I could see that this was natural for my eldest son. I had read about the possible depression, running away from home, and suicidal thoughts and actions of so many young people when they recognise that they’re gay or lesbian.

This happens because society teaches them that to be gay is bad. This causes great confusion in young persons and they become quite fearful about what will happen to them. I didn’t want my son to have any of these fears or concerns, so I set out to normalise being gay or lesbian as much as possible in our household.

I made what I call our home as ‘gay friendly’ as possible. By this I mean there were no ‘poofter’ jokes permitted in our home and no derogatory comments made about lesbians and gays. I always took opportunities to make positive comments about lesbians and gay males, so if he did realise he was gay, it wouldn’t be a huge issue for him and I hoped that he would speak freely to us.

Surprisingly, when my son did disclose to me, at eighteen, I was shocked at my reaction. I realised quickly that there’s a difference between thinking you have a gay child and knowing. I suddenly became overly concerned for his safety—sexually and physically. I was concerned he would be beaten up, ostracised by friends and generally discriminated against. There was also the fear of HIV/AIDS, which is a very common concern for parents, especially when their son is in his teens. It was a real struggle to not pass my fears on to him.

For families struggling with this new information, one of the best ways to come to terms with the realisation and understanding of having a gay son or lesbian daughter is to gain as much information as possible—don’t be shy about accessing libraries or bookshops. And, keep asking questions so that you eventually understand their new lives.

Time is a great healer

I found with time that my fears didn’t come to fruition and so, over time, I began to relax and feel more comfortable. Plus, with the information I accessed, I learned that life could be good for my son; he has made some really long-lasting friendships with young men and women who are not just ‘fair weather’ friends.  

Very often young persons expect their parents to be excited and happy about the news; they don’t realise that it took them time to come to terms with the realisation they’re gay or lesbian, and the same applies to parents.

Additionally, to learn more about my son’s new life I decided to become a volunteer at the then-named Queensland AIDS Council. This was a great learning place for me that removed the fear and mystery.  

These days young people are being more honest and open, and coming out to family at a much earlier age. Don’t assume that because your son or daughter is young that it’s just a phase, fad, or he or she has been persuaded into being gay or lesbian.

Even though it’s initially difficult for parents to comprehend, it is actually better for young people to disclose at a younger age and receive acceptance. This is because there are fewer secrets and less time for depression to become a real issue.

The earlier that young people come out to family and receive support, the less concern there is of suicide and homelessness. Often parents use the excuse that their child is just immature or experimenting, and doesn’t know what he or she is talking about, which isn’t true when it comes to sexual orientation. I have found that young people carefully consider what they’re telling family because they are taking a huge risk of rejection and abandonment.

When initiating conversation:

• Be as calm and casual as possible
• Be honest and say that you don’t understand but you want to
• Make sure it’s not interpreted as an inquisition.

Some conversation starters are:

• How long have you known?
• Have you told friends?
• Has anyone turned against you since ‘coming out’?
• What was your main concern about us finding out?
• How can I best support you?
• Do you want to tell friends and family?
• Is it OK for me to tell friends and other family?
• Do you feel happier for being honest and telling us?
• How do you see your future life?
• What are your fears and concerns?
• Do you have gay friends, and if so, when can I meet them?
• Do you have a partner?

Be patient and give them time to answer each question and don’t expect to have every question answered in the first conversation. And definitely don’t make negative or confronting comments, especially if you want to keep the conversation going forward.

Not surprisingly, when fathers and mothers are told about their son or daughter being lesbian or gay, there is a huge range of emotions that arise. Usually there’s shock, which brings confusion and tears; then can come anger or denial, which, if it remains for too long, can cause a permanent rift in the relationship.

Don’t have the belief if your son or daughter ‘comes out’ to you that:

• It’s their life and you have no say
• They’re just depressed 
• They will soon come to their senses 
• It’s a choice or easier lifestyle 
• They have been coerced or recruited into this lifestyle.

As parents, we need to understand that informing family is one of the hardest things our loved ones will ever have to do in life. For many children, their parents’ opinion matters more than anyone else’s, which is why sometimes parents are the last to know. We always need to keep in mind that to be straight is so much easier and they know that, but it isn’t their life.

Parents’ emotions

Shifts in societal thinking and understanding will make our lesbian daughters’ and gay sons’ lives easier.

Parents also feel shame. They’re concerned about which friends and family will react negatively, or they may blame themselves somehow. Many feel they were either too tough, too weak, too absent, or they should have seen this coming and done something to halt the process. Others feel guilt because they have let the child down somewhere in their life, while others fear their child will grow old and lonely, develop HIV/AIDS, be bashed, ostracised, or discriminated against.

Grief is another strong emotion for parents. They grieve the loss of the child they thought they had, and they may grieve the loss of possibly not having grandchildren. And they grieve the loss of the child not following the traditional path in life, eg, marriage, mortgage, and children.

Initially, all that most parents see is negativity. I believe this is because we, as heterosexuals, have our family values and morals challenged. Many have preconceived ideas about those in the gay community and, when our son or daughter ‘comes out’, we have to stop and realise that perhaps our beliefs were wrong. The many parents I know who have moved to acceptance, all state that having a gay son or lesbian daughter has broadened their minds and made them more accepting of difference.

If you feel you may have a child that could possibly identify as lesbian or gay later in life, learn as much as you can now, be positive and prepare yourself to be supportive. Nothing matters more to a child regardless of their age than parental support and acceptance. Understand that you can’t change things; you haven’t failed as a parent and your child, regardless of sexual orientation, can still be successful and have a very fulfilling life.

There is no proven theory as to why people are homosexual, just as there is no proven theory as to why the majority of the population are heterosexual. Statistically, one in five families has a loved one who is lesbian or gay, whether they realise it or not.

Sexuality is like eye colour—we can’t choose. We also need to be aware that homosexuality is not a mental illness, and it isn’t deviant behaviour—it is a natural sexual variant.

PFLAG is a voluntary support group organised by parents for parents who are struggling to understand their loved one’s sexual diversity. We offer telephone support, written resources and referrals to hasten understanding.

For additional information or support, please contact PFLAG:
Helpline: 0400-767-832
Office: (07) 3017 1739,
Mon–Wed, 9.30–12.30

Published in Kindred, Issue 28

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