The Monsters Under the Bed Are Real: Why Children Protest Bedtime
Forced Bedtimes: An Evolutionary Mismatch
(Image from the Monsters Inc. movie by Pixar. This article first appeared in Peter Gray's blog in Psychology Today and is reposted here with his permission.)
Infants and young children in our culture regularly protest going to bed. They make all sorts of excuses. They say they are not tired, when in fact they obviously are tired. They say they are hungry, or thirsty, or need to hear a story (and then one more story)–anything to stall. They talk about being afraid of the dark, or afraid of monsters in the closet or under the bad. Little babies without language, who can't yet describe their fears or try to negotiate, just scream.
Why all this protest? Many years ago, the famous behavioral psychologist John B. Watson argued, essentially, that such behavior is pathological and derives from parents' overindulgence and spoiling of children.[1] Remnants of that view still persist in books on baby care, where the typical advice is that parents must be firm about bedtime and not give in. This, the experts say, is a battle of wills, and you, as parent, must win it to avoid spoiling your child.
But clearly something is missing in this explanation from the experts. Why do infants and young children choose to challenge their parents' will onthis particular issue? They don't protest against toys, or sunlight, or hugs (well, usually not). Why do they protest going to bed, when sleep is clearly good for them and they need it?
The answer begins to emerge as soon as we leave the Western world and look at children elsewhere. Bedtime protest is unique to Western and Westernized cultures. In all other cultures, infants and young children sleep in the same room and usually in the same bed with one or more adult caregivers, and bedtime protest is non-existent.[2]. What infants and young children protest, apparently, is not going to bed per se, but going to bed alone, in the dark, at night. When people in non-Western cultures hear about the Western practice of putting young children to bed in separate rooms from themselves, often without even an older sibling to sleep with, they are shocked. "The poor little kids!" they say. "How could their parents be so cruel?" Those who are most shocked are people in hunter-gatherer societies, for they know very well why young children protest against being left alone in the dark.[3]
Until a mere 10,000 years ago we were all hunter-gatherers. We all lived in a world where any young child, alone, in the dark, would have been a tasty snack for nighttime predators. The monsters under the bed or in the closet were real ones, prowling in the jungle or savannah, sniffing around, not far from the band's encampment. A grass hut was not protection, but the close proximity of an adult, preferably many adults, was protection. In the history of our species, infants and young children who grew frightened and cried out to elicit adult attention when left alone at night were more likely to survive to pass on their genes to future generations than were children who placidly accepted their fate. In a hunter-gatherer culture only a crazy person or an extremely negligent person would leave a small child alone at night, and at the slightest protest from the child, some adult would come to the rescue.
When your child screams at being put to bed alone at night, your child is not trying to test your will! Your child is screaming, truly, for dear life. Your child is screaming because we are all genetically hunter-gatherers, and your child's genes contain the information that to lie alone in the dark issuicide.
This is an example of the concept of evolutionary mismatch. We have here a mismatch between the environment of our evolutionary ancestors, in which our genetic being was shaped, and the environment in which we live today. In the environment of our evolutionary ancestors, a child alone at night was in serious danger of being eaten. Today, a child alone at night is not in serious danger of being eaten. In the environment of our evolutionary ancestors, no sane parent–or grandparent, or uncle, or aunt, or other adult band member–would ever let a small child sleep alone. If a child were inadvertently left too far from an adult in the dark at night, the child's cry would be immediately heeded. Today, without the realistic dangers, the child's fear seems irrational, so people tend to assume that it is irrational and that the child must learn to overcome it. Or, if they read the "experts," they learn that the child is just testing their will and acting "spoiled". And so, people battle their child rather than listen to the child and to their own gut instincts that tell them that any crying baby needs to be picked up, held close, and cared for, not left alone to "get over it."
What do we do about evolutionary mismatch? In this case, two alternatives appear. We can do what the "experts" advise and engage in a prolonged battle of wills, or we can do what our genes advise and figure out some not too inconvenient way to let our children sleep close to us. When my own son was small, long ago when I was a graduate student, the choice was easy. We lived in a one-room apartment, so there was no way to put him to bed separate from us. In some ways life is easier when you are poor than when you can afford an apartment or house with more than one room.
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What do you do, or did you do, about your children's bedtime? Was it a problem? How did you resolve it? I'm especially interested in the experiences of people who have made the choice–contrary to most pediatricians' advice--to allow their children to sleep with them. How did you make that work?
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Notes:
[1] Watson, J. B. (1928). Psychological care of infant and child. New York: Norton. // [2] Barry, H., & Paxson, L. (1971). Infancy and earlychildhood: Cross-cultural codes, 2. Ethnology, 10, 466-508. // Morelli, G. A. et al. (1992), Cultural variation in infants' sleeping arrangements. Questions of independence. Developmental Psychology, 28, 604-613. // [3] Konner (2002). The tangled wing: Biological constraints on the human spirit (2nd ed.). New York: Holt.
Article by Peter Gray, PhD
Peter Gray is a research professor of psychology at Boston College. He has conducted and published research in comparative, evolutionary, developmental, and educational psychology; published articles on innovative teaching methods and alternative approaches to education; and is author of Psychology (Worth Publishers), an introductory college textbook now i... read more
Comments (5 of 7) See All Sign In To Post a Comment
Idan Melamed (March 18, 2012 9:26pm)
I heard a few explanations, but this one is new for me. Makes sense.I don't have children yet, but I see the evidence of children wanting to feel someone as they fall asleep from my family.
Thanks again,
Idan.
Pia (February 8, 2012 2:53am)
It always seemed a bit strange to me that you would have a baby then seperate yourself from it at a time when everyone is at their most vunerable, and unaware.When I had my baby daughter it wasn't really a choice to have her sleeping with us it was just what felt right so that's what we did.. as this was my first baby I had no other experience either way so I was just going along with what felt most natural and i just could not contemplate not having her with us. She was very little so we got one of the those snuggle beds which have soft but slightly ridget sides so that she wouldn't roll under us and she slept on that between us until she got too big for it, then in a baby hammock above us or right next to me on a stand that allowed me to put my hand in and sway the hammock if she fussed. When she out grew out of her hammock we had a cott next to the bed until she turned 3. We never had any sleep issues at all and it was a lovely experience for all of us and something that I believe instilled a strong sense of safety and well being with my little one .
Things were getting a wee bit squishy as she got bigger so when she turned 3, her birthday present was her own newly decorated room and a beautiful antique oak double bed , we decided to made it a bit of a mile stone event so she was super excited about getting her big girl room, we also decided to get a big bed so that we could sleep with her if we needed to, particularly when she was sick. She always knew that she was welcome in our bed if she wanted to come in and would often jump in with us for a cuddle and story in the morning but only ever in the morning not through the night. I used a monitor for her room to begin with so that if she cried or woke up distressed I was there pretty promptly, so she knew early on that if she needed us, all she needed to do was shout, we had that for a couple of weeks then it was taken out as it wasn't needed anymore.
I believe her being able to sleep with us for the time she did and having no real restrictions in regards to that, her being carried in a sling alot of her waking time when she was little and whenever she needed to when she was older, has helped shape this confident, secure almost 4 year old who kissed and waved goodbye to her mummy on her first day at kindy without a tear, dropped bottom lip or even a backward glance.
It is what feels right and the most natural , I think all parents would agree so why do people fight such a basic instinct.
Naese (November 12, 2011 1:33pm)
What an interesting thought - that children are scared of the dark as a survival tactic. I've never thought of that before. Our house is spread out, with two small bedrooms close together upstairs, and the master bedroom downstairs and on the other side of the house. Sending my children to bed across the house on another floor is not something I would consider doing while they're young. And they ARE really scared up there at night! They won't even go in their rooms alone at night to get their pajamas or something they've left during the day such as a blanket or stuffed animal! We started "co-sleeping" before we ever heard the term out of natural parental instincts, not really as a conscious decision. We've just always done what came naturally. My husband is a night owl, so my children and I fit fine in our queen size bed together. When he gets in the bed between 4 -6 am, though it's a tight squeeze, and he sometimes moves one LO down to a matress on the floor. It's usually not long before said little one is back up in the big bed. I get out of the bed before long though and they're comfy again. My children go to bed when I do, between 9 - 11pm. They sleep later than I do, which gives me some quiet time in the morning to prepare for the day and even spend some alone time with hubby if I get up early enough!! My husband works from home with a flexible schedule and we homeschool, so we aren't held to anyone else's schedule. My children are 3 & 5, so I feel a transition coming before too long. Not sending them to a different room, but maybe a futon in the same room? Our room's not that big, so I'm not sure. Glad to hear a doctor having regard for parents' and children's natural instincts instead of trying to force them to ignore them in order to force children into our culture's ridiculous mold of normality. Thank you.sasdee (October 29, 2011 9:04am)
Agreed - my 3 year old has slept beside me (first in my bed, now in her own bed next to mine) since birth (even in the hospital) and I have never had an issue with her going to sleep - and she sleeps for 12 hours without waking every night (unless she's occasionally sick, but even then she is very calm as she knows i am right next to her, holding her hand). The thought of forcing her to sleep on her own and leave her to cry horrifies me, but I know lots of people who do that - but it seems that they are the people who have real sleep issues with their children, so why do they persist? A lot of them say its because they want their bedroom to themselves to get a better night sleep, but they seem to end up spending a lot of time sitting in the child's bedroom trying to get them back to sleep in the middle of the night, and then getting up extremely early in the morning.We do have a set bedtime, as if she was left to stay up until she chose to go to bed she would definitely get overtired and upset, but i've never found that set time to be a problem - generally as soon as i say its bedtime she will happily go to bed and lie down. She is not scared of the dark - she has no reason to be as she knows I am right there if she needs me.
scarlettsand (October 29, 2011 3:51am)
Dr. Gray, thank you for this article! It makes so much sense! I have two children, ages 1 and 4 years. Against the advice of almost everyone I know, my husband and I have always allowed them into our bed and have never let them "cry it out." As infants they slept safely beside me. As older babies they fall asleep in my arms, are placed in a crib asleep, and as soon as they awake during the night are brought to bed with us for the rest of the night. They go to sleep when they are tired and fall asleep, not when a clock says it is time. My 4 year old goes to sleep in her bed and usually wakes up at some point, comes into our room and just climbs up into our bed, knowing she is always welcome there. Thank you for offering this fascinating evolutionary explanation!would you like to comment?
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