Parenting as Spiritual Practice
Before I became pregnant, I had lots of room in my daily life for spiritual reflection and practice. Mind you, I also had time for things like a hot cup of coffee and moisturising, luxuries that quickly fell by the wayside when my son, Elliot, was born. Those first few weeks were spent in what felt like an endless cycle of breastfeeding, washing, laundry, settling, rocking, reading, and crying (both me and the baby). There were days when my husband would return home from work and say ‘How was your day? What did you two get up to?’ and I would stare at him blankly and say, quite seriously, ‘I have no idea.’
My spiritual life, which had included reading, meditation, writing and community, was largely ignored as I struggled to get my head around my new role as a mum. Elliot was my priority and meeting his needs (after figuring out what they were) became my focus. This was challenging and time consuming and when I did manage to find a spare minute, I did something really indulgent like have a shower or read an entire magazine article.
By month three, however, I began to feel more confident in my parenting abilities, especially as I watched Elliot growing into a happy, smiling boy. I began to trust my instincts as I realised that they had served me well so far. At the same time, however, I began to struggle with depression. It was as if the fog of the first few months had lifted just enough for me to realise how overwhelmed I actually felt.
I had been on and off antidepressants for years, most recently weaning myself from them two years ago when my partner and I started trying to conceive. This depression was different from what I had felt in the past. It wasn’t the all-encompassing blackness I had experienced before; it was more of sort of a dulling of the world around me. The sleep deprivation didn’t help either.
It was clear to me that I needed to re-establish some sort of daily spiritual practice. As a recovering alcoholic and drug addict, my spirituality has played an incredibly important role in my life. It has allowed me the space I needed to heal. It has brought me back to the present moment time and time again so that I could really be a part of my life. It has given me the faith I needed to go on when it felt as though it was all hopeless. My belief in something beyond myself has been a gift that has, at times, kept me alive.
It was also clear to me, however, that my spiritual practice was unlikely to exist in its previous form. The few times I had tried meditating, I had promptly fallen asleep. When I tried to read, I skimmed the same pages over and over again (sometimes for days). I tried writing, but I couldn’t get a coherent thought down on paper. I started to panic.
It then occurred to me that all of the things I was viewing as impediments to my spiritual life could actually serve as the basis for one. Breastfeeding became an opportunity for a few minutes of meditation and a chance to be fully in the moment. I made use of the relaxing hormones coursing through my body as I fed my son and sank into the present. I focused on my breath. I focused on the sensations in my body. I let myself fully experience the bond I felt with my son as he nursed. I would ‘awaken’ from these moments feeling slightly more refreshed, if not quite energetic.
Housework became a chance to practice thinking of nothing but the activity in front of me, not what I had to do next, or what I hadn’t done that morning. I started relearning how to keep my head where my hands are, if only for a few minutes at a time.
Parenting gives you opportunities everyday to practice concepts such as acceptance, trusting and living in community. It has been an exercise in acceptance with the steepest learning curve I have ever experienced. Not only have I had to learn how to care for and meet (most of) the needs of a newborn baby but I have had to learn that the dishes staying undone is not the end of the world, my pants still being too tight means little in the grand scheme of things, and my ‘identity’, which I have spent years plotting and crafting, is actually fluid and bendy and now changes largely in response to the needs of my son. I become whoever Elliot needs me to be. Milk bar? Check. Walking, rocking, singing baby entertainment unit? You got it sir! Nappy changer? My pleasure. How’s that for a lesson in the concept of ‘no-self’?
Seven months on and my spiritual practice is nothing like it was pre-baby. And who would want it to be? My spiritual life today is richer and more grounded that it has ever been before. I think this is partly because I appreciate it more than I did in the past, grateful for its calming and balancing influence in my life. More than this, however, it has deepened because some of the lofty mystical ideas which seemed foreign and, at times, inaccessible to me in the past have become very, very real. Impermanence? I swear that shirt fit him just yesterday! Loving detachment? Creating a safe space and then letting him fall as he learns to crawl. And miracles? They have become something I am very much aware of everyday as I watch my son grow and learn.
By embracing parenting as spiritual practice I have found a way to bring balance to my life when it is desperately needed. The mundane becomes the extraordinary. My everyday life and my spiritual life have become more deeply entwined than ever before. What a gift it is to see the divine all around me.
I still feel exhausted and overwhelmed some of the time but, at the end of the day, my spirituality helps me keep a sense of humour about the whole thing. After all, if doing the laundry provides an opportunity for spiritual growth, then I am well on my way to enlightenment.
Blog by Meghann Birks
Meghann Birks is a first time mum, life coach, writer, motivational speaker and fitness trainer living on the Mornington Peninsula. She is passionate about her son, Elliot, her husband, Andrew, and her dog, Tobi. She is a baby- wearing, breastfeeding, runner (not at the same time!) who loves books, meditation, chocolate, the beach and hiking. She also aspires to someday join .... read more
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Deborah Saunders (November 4, 2011 11:06am)
What a lovely integrated experience of self & other; parent & child; and even absolute & relative. You've breathed life into what many take as an idea -- relationship as a spiritual practice -- and more precisely the relationship of mother & child. Writing about your experiences of how clearly essential qualities (Divine qualities) arise quite naturally in the field (between and within) yourself and your baby son is awesome. I'm very grateful I found your article and will pass it on to parents of all ages (even grandparents)would you like to comment?
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