The Zen of Bed-Time
The Zen of Bed Time
By Naomi Aldort
“You shall have your sunset. I shall command it. But, according to my science of government, I shall wait until conditions are favorable...hum! …That will be...this evening...” --Aantoine De Saint-Exupery
“At bed time, my daughter runs around wildly while her little brother follows.” Says a worn out mother. “The process of going to bed is long and exhausting, and our plan to have time for ourselves after the children are asleep often fails,” she continues. “Why won’t they just go to sleep?”
If a child asked for my counseling, she would say, "Every night just before I go to sleep I need to run, bounce and laugh. How can I get my parents to cooperate, and to come to bed with me when I am ready?” There are conflicts of interest between most parents and children at bedtime. One conflict is about the way to "calm down," and the other is that children are reluctant to retire to bed when their parents stay awake. They don’t want to miss anything. The needs of both, the child and the couple, have to be met.
Most parents think about bedtime in terms of "calming down." They assume that listening to a story or a song will put a toddler or child to sleep. For some children this ritual fits nicely, especially after they’ve bounced around to their heart’s desire. But for many, it does not. For these wee ones the way to relax is through the discharge of excess energy and tension. We often project our own need for quiet and calm on the child and we don’t realize her vital need to run, jump and giggle before retiring to sleep.
Sometimes you may think that your toddler is “cranky,” “over tired,” or having a “second wind.” These concepts, however, are parental interpretations and have nothing to do with the toddler’s intent and need. Children do what they need to do. When a child is cranky – she “cranks” (whatever that means for each individual); when she is bouncy - she bounces; and when the child is sleepy, she will sleep. A parent may also say that the child is “out of control,” yet, we often wish we could let go of control as they do. Toddlers and young children know how to generate a good night’s sleep by arriving in bed free of excess energy or anxiety.
“You shall have your sunset”
In Exupery’s book “The Little Prince,” a king, who sits on one planet, claims to rule the universe. He tells the little prince that all the planets and suns obey him. When the astonished child asks him to order the sun to set, the king says, “You shall have your sunset. I shall command it. But, according to my science of government, I shall wait until conditions are favorable...hum! …That will be...this evening...”
As parents, we must learn from this king to guide our children on the path they are paving. If your toddler/child is resistant to going to sleep, your are obviously off her path. When you are off her path, she perceives you as someone to fight against to regain her autonomy. In contrast, when your plans fit with hers, she will be delighted to know that you join her and facilitate what she wants to do.
The fastest way to bring most children to the family bed is by being there yourselves, ready to laugh and to snuggle. Why? Because the child’s plan is to be with you and to have fun together. I have rarely seen this approach fail. When you’re not in bed or when they have their own beds, the most peaceful way of transporting the “parade” from the living room through the bathroom and into bed, is by playing with the children on their terms until they choose to stop. If you are the one to decide when to stop the games, the struggle could ensue and impede the emotional benefits of these games (it may even take longer.)
Such bed time rituals may take up to two hours and end up with the whole family in bed. At this point, if you started early enough, and have energy, and if your children won’t wake up the moment you leave... by all means, go to another room to be with yourselves. Or, if it fits your situation better, stay in the same bed. Many parents tell me, however, that by the time these bed time acrobatics are over they realize that their children’s “calming down” method works all too well and they fall asleep like babies themselves. So what about the parents’ need for time to themselves?
Couple time
Women’s hormones help them make the choice of caring for the children. Nature provides for such hormonal support because it only cares about the survival of the species. For the same reason, the male’s hormones keep directing him to want intimacy with his wife. This is hard for both parents and requires patience and maturity in balancing choices and priorities.
With most children, the end of the day is the worst time to connect as a couple. It is like ordering the sun to set at noon. The transition from being awake to “falling” asleep resembles death. It is a time when a child’s need for parental closeness is intense and providing it is crucial. Your need to be with your partner will therefore be more peacefully met at a different time, and will, most likely, not be possible as often as before having children. Be creative and find the time that the children need you the least. If work schedules allows, a midday visit can be the answer, when grandma or a baby sitter can be with the children. If only weekends are possible, than let this scarcity fuel your romance; use phone calls and e-mail on weekdays, and take the time to be with each other on the weekend when someone can be with your children.
It is not true that a good marriage depends on daily time spent without the children. Your experience of raising your children together builds your marriage. To feel happy as a couple, you must move into this new phase of relationship and let go of what is gone. A happy family bedtime nurtures your relationship and leaves your children emotionally content. It is romantic and wonderful when you choose to notice the joy and intimacy. In a few years you will have more time without the little ones. When children are young, choose the kind of bedtime procedure that leaves you all included and happy with each other.
©Copyright Naomi Aldort
This article appeared in Natural Parenting Magazine, AU, and in Life Learning Magazine from Canada and USA.
Naomi Aldort is the author of, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. Parents from around the globe seek Aldort's advice by phone, in person and by listening to her CDs and attending her workshops. Her advice columns appear in progressive parenting magazines in Canada, USA, AU, UK, and translated to German, Hebrew, Dutch, Japanese and Spanish.For more information: www.NaomiAldort.com or www.AuthenticParent.com
Blog by Naomi Aldort
Naomi Aldort is the author of Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. Parents from around the globe seek Aldort's advice by phone, in person and through her workshops, teleclasses, by reading her book and by listening to her CDs. She is an engaging public speaker and a life transforming family therapist. Her advice columns and interviews appear in attachment parenting, homesc.... read more
Comments (2 of 2) Sign In To Post a Comment
(March 30, 2010 9:17am)
Well this describes my daughter at bedtime. She practically bounces off walls and we have been spending all our time and energy trying to calm her down and get her ready to fall asleep. I find that by this time of night, I'm very tired and more likely to get snappy and frustrated with her behaviour as I try to steer her into bed (and she is still co-slept to sleep). Maybe it's time to start a new approach! Not that I can bounce with her at 8 months pregnant, but I can certainly see how it feels to allow her the space to enjoy her excess energy.(March 27, 2010 3:08am)
fantastic article...when my oldest daughter was born...i was young and inexpirienced...i tried reading standard parenting books...to learn the art of parenting and cohabitating with babies and learned all too quickly...we all rested more when we were all together!! co-sleeping is the best way to be close to your children..my youngest is almost 7...she still sleeps with us..and we are all still very content with it...she never had a basinet or crib..there was no need..would you like to comment?
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